I am Fine
by kagome-hime1
Summary: Kagome deals with some strong emotions as she thinks about her relationship with Inuyasha.


A/N:  This is just a little something I wrote about a year ago when I was feeling a little depressed.  I actually forgot all about it until I found it on my computer today.  Anyway, it's just an angsty little one-shot; but, I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer:  I do not own Inuyasha or any of the related characters.  I am making no money from this.

She didn't cry.  She wanted to cry, the pressure inside her was overwhelming, it weighed her down and she lay on her bed, to weak to do anything other then lie there and stare at the wall.  Still, the tears would not come.

She knew why.  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  And Kagome had been a fool.

Every time she went back to him, and every time she promised herself that she wouldn't get her hopes up.  She couldn't see anyway that their situation could change, so why bother to dream, only to have that fantasy shattered whenever he left her again.

Kagome didn't blame him; it had never been his fault.  He always made his intentions clear to her.  And when she left he never tried to stop her.  

But then they'd make up, she'd come back; and, after a few days, all was forgotten.  It was then that her hope would return full force, as if she had never had any reason to doubt that he would one day be hers to love.

He loved her, after all.

No matter how bleak their relationship got, she never once doubted that.  It was true he had never actually said those three little words to her, but he had told her.  His love was apparent in every action he made.

When he protected her.  When she saw that concerned look in his eyes.  And, mostly, when he allowed his possessive nature to shine through.  It had all given him away. 

It was not a lack of interest that kept Inuyasha from her.

So she allowed herself to believe in their love.  To believe that one day they would consummate it.

And then Kikyou would show up.

Kagome didn't hate Kikyou.  Pitied her?  Yes, perhaps; but not hate.

But, no matter how she felt about her, when Kikyou arrived on the scene, she realized how truly hopeless her and Inuyasha's relationship truly was.

He felt responsible for Kikyou.  He felt indebted to her.  And, whenever she appeared, he felt guilty for finding a new love, a new happiness.

That was why he turned from her.  He felt as though he would never be free to love her, and so he did not want to lead her on.  

But, no matter how hard he tried, once Kikyou was gone, he forgot to feel guilty.  And the cycle would start over again.

Of course, part of why he would always forget his guilt, was that Kagome was always there, ready to forgive him.   And then she would promise him that all she wanted was to be by his side, even if he would always be a slave to his honor.

But then when Kikyou showed up Kagome couldn't help but feel betrayed.  Despair would fill her and she would feel as though her soul was made of lead.  

She had promised him, and herself, that she understood their situation, and that she had accepted it.  So, whenever she realized how she would react to it, she felt guilty.  After all, she was the one who had insisted she would be alright.

But that didn't make the pain go away.

It seemed that any decision in the matter would end up in her getting hurt, though.

Sometimes it was all just so frustrating that she just wanted to give up.  Death seemed so appealing.  Even if everyone would be angry or disappointed with her, she wouldn't have to care anymore.  She would finally be at peace.  And sometimes she really got sick of dealing with the disaster that she called her life.

Most of the time there was a fire in her that wouldn't allow those thoughts to take hold.  She had shattered the shikon no tama.  It was her duty to help restore it, a lot of people depended on her.

And then there were days like today.

Days when everything looked gray.  Days when her despair would build up that familiar pressure inside of her and the realization of her hopelessness would increase that pressure, but it would never permit her to find release from it all.  Soon, it would begin to press in on her mind until she felt numb, and, sullenly indifferent to the world.

And that brought her back to her current state.

When living was too painful, but death would take too much effort.

So she just let herself wallow in her apathy.  Because nothing really mattered.  Nothing was important enough to lift her from her anguish.

And, just then, just as she had resigned herself to a life of nothingness, a miracle occurred.

She remembered Inuyasha, and thought of the pain he had suffered.

Suddenly Kagome wanted nothing more then to be with him, to protect him from anymore emotional pain.

She just wanted him to be happy, it was the only need she still had.

Just then she heard a soft thud as the floorboards beneath her window gave a disgruntled creaking.

"Oi, you okay?"

"Yeah," Kagome gave him a distant smile.  "I think I am."


End file.
